All My Eggs are in One Basket.  Literally.

Well not literally.  I no longer have eggs at the moment as they were all vacuumed out of me nor do I have a built in basket.  But I do have a couple of embryos (which by now are hopefully little blastocysts) and I do have a uterus.  And all my blastocysts are in one uterus.

The clinic called today and the other 5 embryos which they were hoping would move on to blastocyst stage from Saturday hadn’t developed at all over the weekend.  And so they were destroyed earlier today.  Which sounds so harsh.  I immediately called my husband who was, I think, shocked.  He can be such an optimist that he doesn’t listen to things really until they go wrong.  He called me an hour later saying “I feel flat”.  I told him I hoped he felt really bad for being a total ratbag over the weekend.  We are quite a feisty couple and sometimes quite hard on each other.  We also adore each other, though.

I also returned to work today.  Somewhat against my better judgement.  But I thought it would distract me.  It was the thankless, uncaring hellhole I remember from a week and a half ago.  But with more work to do, as I’ve been off.  I resolved to spend my day being mindful.

I walked mindfully to the station – no stress about making the train or missing it.

I mindfully went through all my 500 unread emails and red flagged those for action, so I could return to them later.  And then later I actioned them, calmly and in order of importance.  Those I couldn’t get to today, I accepted would have to wait for tomorrow.

I made sure to mindfully eat my breakfast of homemade granola with almond milk – not reading emails or scanning the web at my desk.  I did the same for lunch.

I made sure that I mindfully ignored whatever pile of guilt-ridden office politics shit was thrown at me by any number of work colleagues.  

I just smiled sweetly at whoever was trying to bait me, nodding away with zen-like calmness while just thinking the whole time:  “Nope, don’t give a rats ass.  Don’t care.  Not happening.  You can piss right off.”  If there was a psychological way of throwing emotional baggage back at someone – I was doing it all day long.

There was no way I was going to risk getting upset or stressed and losing my two little blastocyst babies.

And when my leaving time came, I left.  I almost got caught up in a big Press/PR issue.  I’m pretty type A normally.  But I realised that actually, other people’s lack of preparation or follow through isn’t my problem.  So I left the office, I caught my train, and I came home to my lovely cool house and smiling doggie.  So much better here!